Guide to Pimples and How to Kill ‘Em

I obviously lost the fight. My common sense and public decency went on vacation together and left Little Miss Devilish in charge. I swear I was not right in the head though the drafting of this entire blogpost. I definitely lost my sanity while searching for accompanying pictures and videos. If you have just eaten, digest and come back. If you are eating, finish your food, digest, and come back. If you are eating/have eaten/are planning to eat anything remotely cheesy, come back tomorrow. In any case, prepare a puke basket nearby. My dear readers, please accept my apologies as I present to you..

[Original article by]

Whether it’s big and juicy or small with potential, there are many forms of blemishes, not limited to simply whiteheads and blackheads. Here’s a tongue in cheek look at the different categories of pimples and their popping possibilities.

Pustules are your classic zit—typically large and red with a yellowy, cloudy pus-filled asymmetrical center comprised of necrotic (dead) inflammatory cells.

Gooey Pustules: Big, full, juicy, and screaming to be fucked with.
Crusties: Pus-filled, yet dry on top, making it impossible to cover with makeup.
More-than-meets-the-eyes: For this special kind of pustule, plenty of pus oozes out of the head once it’s lanced, but then when pressure is applied, more cloudy pus erupts from some nether region, occasionally with an accompanying bursting sound.
Bleeders: Actually, most pustules will bleed if excessive squeezing is employed. The rule of thumb here is to stop squeezing as soon as blood begins to appear, or you’re in danger of scarring.

These suckers are ready to go. There are all kinds of recommendations given by experts, mostly involving a sterilized needle for lancing, and some tissues or Q-Tips for squeezing, to decrease contamination. Dr. Oz, however, suggests that the proper way to lance it would be to insert a needle into the head, horizontally, and then lift it up, ripping the head entirely.

Whiteheads differ from pustules in that they’re smaller and lack inflammation surrounding the pus. They occur when a pore gets blocked, trapping sebum (oily secretions), bacteria and dead skin. The result is that little white bubble on the surface of the skin. I gotta admit that they’re fun to pop.

Overnighters: Whiteheads have a particularly quick life cycle, which is why sometimes you can go to bed with clear skin, and then wake up with an unexpected minefield.
Clear Audibles: These whitehead actually have a colorless pus and make a snapping sound when popped. Many times, they will appear in clusters.
Shooters: The kind that hit the mirror.

Some dermatologists will prescribe topical ointments that are perfect for dehydrating these types of spots. But what’s the fun in that?

Gross Factor: 2/5 (This zit gets 5/5 for the sheer height it achieves.)

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, always use a CLEAN instrument to jab at your pimple. And squeeze from outside-down.

Blackheads are essentially the same as whiteheads—trapped sebum, dead skin, and bacteria—except that the pore is only partially blocked. You’d think that the black spots were caused by dirt, but actually, that’s just what happens to the pus when it’s oxidized. Gross right?

Tubers: Squeezing these is much like squeezing a tube of toothpaste, with the pus compacted into a short cylindrical stream. Tubers have their own subset of categories that involve the circumference of the spot. Sometimes they will be rather wide, and when squeezed, leave something of a hole on the surface of the skin. Other times, they will be the size of pinpoints, barely noticeable to the human eye, unless you’re obsessing over your skin during extreme-closeups with your mirror.
White Squigglies: This is almost always—but not limited to—blackheads appearing on noses. When squeezed, they emerge as wiry, white squiggles.
Long Curly Qs, aka, Extreme White Squiggles: On those rare, but undeniably satisfying, occasions a seemingly routine blackhead will, upon squeezing, reveal itself to be a veritable geyser of a winding white stream.

For some, few activities are more engrossing than a search and destroy session in the bathroom mirror, looking for blackheads on the chin or nose. While squeezing with fingers works just fine in most cases, extractors are recommended to minimize the spread of bacteria all over the face, as well as the risk of bursting some blood vessels that would only make matters worse.

Gross Factor: 3.5/5 (Extra points for where he/she smears it.)

Bad, baaaad idea my friend, to be leaving your pimple shit on your body. Ever knew that bacteria is like, transferable?

Papules are classified by being a red, solid elevated blemish with no signs of liquid. In many cases, they could be early-stage pustules, but sometimes, it’s another kind of irritation, like chickenpox or some kind of disease.

Do not fuck with a papule. You don’t really know what it is. Either wait until it comes to a head, or go see your doctor.

This is simply acne vulgaris that appears on the back. Depending on its severity, it can take many forms, from pustules and papules to whiteheads and blackheads, either in small numbers or large clusters.

Because of the difficulty of the location, extracting back blemishes is something of a team effort. Unfortunately for zit-popping enthusiasts, the glory of the pus is usually only witnessed by the helper. Be careful who you trust, though, as scarring is a large risk.

Gross Factor: 3.5/5

Ramen anyone?

Sebceous Cysts
Caused by blocked sebaceous glands or hair follicles, sebaceous cysts are the motherload of pimples. Huge, round, and generally smooth, they contain fatty white material called sebum, which, upon extraction, tends to look like cottage cheese, or even cream cheese. Unless hereditary, sebaceous cysts are rare—think once-in-a-lifetime.

Gross Factor: 5/5, for grossness, stupidity, and bad-ass friends.

Technically, because they are so large, and because they are cysts, these should be removed surgically. A safe, non surgical method for removing sebaceous cysts involves coaxing out the wax-like material inside by melting it with hot compresses over a series of days. However, as evidenced on YouTube, many people try their own methods for dealing with sebaceous cysts, like knives. This could lead to scarring or infection.


Gross Factor: 6/5, the first minute of this video will do.

I really don’t understand how can someone let their blackheads grow that big. Isn’t it an eyesore?? (Or nose sore, in this case.)

Videos in this post are from the amazingly sick PimpleTube. For some strange reason, some of the videos made me salivate. I still don’t condone squeezing zits. If you really must, use an extractor and make sure everything is clean. And slap on some Vaseline if you’ve accidentally broken your skin and need to stop the bleeding. It works wonders as a seal and as a healing agent.

And that, is the end of this extremely disturbing post. Feel free to return if you want to diet by vomit.

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