Wearing this once a day for five minutes is supposed to give you the prominent, pointy (more Anglo-Saxon?) nose of your dreams. You may also find that you can’t smell anything. And that your nose hurts.
Beauty High Lift Nose
Electric vibrations will allegedly create the “perfect profile” if you wear this for three minutes a day. Wait: Buzzing gadgets make your bones change shape? Vibrator, meet garbage can.
Mejikara Anti-Wrinkle Glasses
These silicone goggle thingies apply “gentle pressure” on your skin and “push those sagging eyes back up to where they once were!” Wear them as you’re driving to work and pretend to be Racer X.
Beauty Voice Trainer
It might look like an adult pacifier, but this mouthpiece trains your voice to “maximize your vocal potential while singing.” What better way to prepare for that upcoming karaoke night? Tuning fork included.
Aluminum Facial Spa
This iron maiden-type device offers a “steam facial in the comfort of your own home.” It’s unclear where the steam is coming from or why this is better than just putting your face over a steaming bowl of water, but the description adds a helpful hint: “Please note that the amount of time that you may sweat will likely vary.”
Lower Stomach Beauty Trainer
Everyone loves workouts they can do in front of the TV, and rolling your legs back and forth, twisting your waistline, is probably really great for your obliques. Still, the exercise cushion looks like a pig nose. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And who wants to put their feet in Wilbur’s nostrils?
Beauty Bottom Butt Shaping Cushion
Working at a desk all day? Fearing the “secretary spread” in the ass and hips? You need this chair cushion, which “ensures that your bottom muscles become, and stay, taut enough to bounce a 100 yen coin off of. ”
Akaishi Facial Massager
Is there any medical evidence that pushing tiny rollers along your face can combat sagging and wrinkles? Probably not.
Paro Robot Seal Healing Pet
Last, but not least: OMG BABY SEAL! And it’s interactive! According to the description, this little critter…
Can recognize light and dark
Can feel being stroked and the amount of pressure
Understands when it is being held
Can recognize the direction of sound
Recognizes its name, greetings, and praise
Remembers interactions and adapts
Imitates the voice of a real baby seal
Expresses feelings though noises, body movements, and facial expressions
All for only $6,225! How and what this “heals,” I can’t be sure.